Sick Crap: The Perverts of Magic (Part 3 of 3)

We're nearly at the end of our perverted little journey in this series, but don't worry - I've saved the best for last. Prepare yourself. We visit the Magic Theater.

A sampling of clips from The Magic Theater.com
(By the way, do yourself a favor and click on the picture to see it fullsize. It's much better appreciated in fullsize.)

Ah, theThe Magic Theater.

The tagline for The Magic Theater is "Your Magical Fantasties Brought to Life." How many fucking people have "magical fantasies" that such a site is even close to being financially viable? What you get with this site is essentially a porn site for magicians, except instead of getting footage of attractive women engaging in sexual behavior, you get video of attractive women helping perform illusions. There are so many great (and by "great," I mean "so ridiculous that they beg to be commented on") features of this site. Before I continue on, let's play a little game. It's called "How Are All These Plotlines Similar?" It's a simple game, really: just read the descriptions of movies found in the "Magic Theater" and figure out what they have in common.

- "Zombie" : After the apocalypse and zombies rule the earth two lone men decide to take advantage of the situation when they spot Kirsten Dunst, who is now a zombie. They decide to try out the saw and guillotine on her.

- "School Girl and the Nurse" : Naughty schoolgirl Ashlee hasn't studied for her math test so she decides to go see Nurse Betty so she can go home. Nurse Betty sees through Ashlee's little scheme and uses some alternative medicine in the form of sawing in half and the guillotine.

- "Infomercial" : Magic Cutco has a new series of knives, knives so sharp they can cut anything without ever permanently hurting you. To demonstrate the a sexy assistant is called from the audience to demonstrate the magical saw and guillotine blade.

- "The Real Magic: Arkansas" : The exciting new reality show "The Real Magic" starts in Arkansas as we see Bobby "Bubba" Jones III and Amber try out for a spot. On day one Bubba is gonna done cut her pretty head off good, uh ha.

Figure it out yet? Could be the fact that every movie involves the same two illusions, Sawing in Half and the Guillotine. There are over FIFTY movies on this site and all but one use one or both of these illusions (in one video, they use a dagger box). FIFTY FUCKING MOVIES ALL USING THE SAME TWO ILLUSIONS!

But my favorite movies on the site are the ones that attempt to copy hit movies while still trying to incorporate attractive girls and the only two illusions these guys own. There's 2 Fast 2 Magical, described as such: "Julie and Trixie are two hotties from the racetrack looking for some fun. The girls dare each other to try out some magic tricks, and after much trepidation and not to be outdone by each other they perform the tricks on each other." Oh, of course! Two hotties looking for some fun decide to use the illusions they just happened to have lying around - what believable, realistic film making! There's also Berazzled, the Bedazzled rip-off in which someone wishes for "a lovely debutante to enjoy his fascination with the French Revolution." Since these guys only own Sawing a Woman in Half and the Guillotine Illusion, which trick do you think gets used?

Honestly, I don't understand how these guys are making any money. They're clearly hiring a ton of fairly attractive models for each of these videos (or hiring hookers) and are taking at least a little time to film and edit these flaming pieces of shit. How the fuck is paying for all these films? Who is shelling out THIRTY dollars for these movies?

Holy crap, people. Holy crap.

Is that really the end of the "Sick Crap" series? Stick around and you may see the BONUS installment...