Review Crap, Part I: The Good

Alright, boys and girls, let's get this review thing rolling!

Pagliacci presents...


THE GOOD


These blogs are the best of the best, at least in my opinion. They're funny, witty, and smart. All I can say is this: if you want some good advice, a good laugh, or both, CHECK THESE OUT.

Magic Circle Jerk - MCJ was the first magic blog out there (at least the first widely read one). It's also one of the best. Andy is hilarious and usually dead-on with his satire.

Magic Mafia - This blog isn't always about magic - which is why I love it. Funny and updated multiple times a day (thanks to the multiple authors), the blog definitely has the ABCs of blogging - amusement, babes, and conjuring.

Magic Whack - Mr. Whack left this comment to my previous post:

Mr Whack said...
If you decide to do your review rankings in a similar way to online-visions then I'll have to settle for an in-a-blink 1 or 2 out of 10 because I'm not prepared to suck cock.

MW.

Mr. Whack doesn't have t0 resort to oral sex because his blog is bloody fantastic. Magic Whack is like Magic Circle Jerk's wacky younger brother - and trust me, that's a compliment.

Cardopolis - I really like this blog. Yes, author David Britland takes his time between posts, but I think that all the time is invested in making each post so friggin' amazing. There are some really, really strong routines on that blog - and they're free for anybody who reads the blog. That's a pretty incredible thing.

Next post: I check out the bad. This should be fun. Some of you magic bloggers out there, beware - you may think about wearing out your current assholes 'cuz I'll be ripping you guys some new ones.


[By the way, that woman at the top of the post is Tara Monroe, star of Little Magicians. So, so hott right now.]

[And yes, I did mean "hott" with two T's.]

Crap About a New Word

Main Entry: Swed·ish ma·gi·cian
Pronunciation: 'swE-dish m&-'ji-sh&n
Function: noun
Derivation: BLOG STORY
1 : someone who is or is attempting to be extremely sleazy
- Swedish magicianal adjective
- Swedish magicianally adverb


It's good to see that magicians are having an impact on the world (or at least the English language).

Bunny Crap

Buzzed Bunny is one bunny you definitely don't want to be pulling out of your magic hat. Check out this bunny's hilarious... I mean, EXTREME... escapades here.

Huge Crap

Holy crap! The Magic Circle Jerk is back! The inspiration for every other magic blog out there today (including this one!) took a four month hiatus - but now it's back!

All I can say is: Welcome back, Andy! We missed you!

Actually, I can also say this: Fuck yeah - Andy's back, bitches!

Harry Potter Crap

The cover art for the newest Harry Potter book, Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince, was released today!


Left: American edition; Top right: British adult edition; Top left: British children's edition

[Credit: I was tipped off to this by The Leaky Cauldron. The cover art is copyrighted by the various book publishers, including Scholastic and Bloomsbury. The image combining all the covers is my own.]

And, no, being a magician does not make you in anyway like Harry Potter. So stopping trying to use spells to make your penis bigger - just accept the fact that it won't happen.

International News Crap

As if Uncle Joey's rendition of the "Quarter from the Ear" routine wasn't enough to completely soil the reputation of magic for most folks, we now have this schmuck to contend with:

From the Daily Times:


British magician to entomb himself — in cheese

British magician Noah Kelly announced bold plans Wednesday to entomb himself in 320 kilograms of mature Cheddar cheese for 48 hours next month.

“This is an endurance test. I’m not going to wimp out and use a mild cheese,” said Kelly, 32, who’ll perform his stunt at a shopping mall in his hometown of Weston-super-Mare, in the west of England, on March 20.

Kelly said he got the idea while lying in a bathtub thinking of US celebrity street magician David Blaine, who spent 62 hours inside a big ice cube in New York’s Times Square last November.

“I was thinking how cheesy what he did was, and then from there I thought that I could do it surrounded by cheese,” he said. —AFP

[Credit to Utterly Boring for posting the link]


Holy crap guys! If you thought the reaction to David Blaine's Above the Below was bad, can you even imagine this shit?

But it can't get worse, right? It's not like magicians are getting arrested for unwittingly transporting props that can be used as deadly weapons, right? Oh...crap...dammit!


From Scotland's Daily Record:

Spellbanned
A magician had his new wand confiscated by cops after it was found to be a prohibited weapon.

Malcolm Wilson, stage name Magic Malky, was stunned to find out his £100 Big Bang wand fired bullets.

Police ballistics experts told him: "You can't have that," when he asked them if his blank- firing wand was legal.

Last night, the 28-year-old urged other magicians to hand any potentially dodgy wands to police for checks.

Malcolm, of Ayr, said: "I've not been cautioned or charged but I don't want other magicians to get into bother.

"I had always wanted a Big Bang wand but now it seems it's regarded as something like a weapon from a James Bond film. When the wand fires blanks it makes a loud bang and lets off a little smoke.

"But because there's a hole in the top to allow the gases and smoke to escape, the police told me the wand can fire live bullets."

Malcolm, a full-time magician for the last 10 years, added: "The wand came sealed in a plastic bag along with three blank bullets. There were safety instructions but nothing about firearms certificates or the fact that it's a dangerous weapon.

"Everyone's been having a laugh about it and saying I could have gone out with a bang."

A police insider joked: "We know magic wands can be used to make people disappear but that's probably best avoided in the criminal sense of the word."

A police spokeswoman thanked Magic Malky for bringing the wand to their attention but urged other magicians to be vigilant.

She added: "Anyone who has bought this wand is advised to hand it in to their local police station for examination."

[Credit to Cronaca for posting the link.]


Well, let's hope that if Malcolm Wilson (a.k.a "the Big Bang Boy") does accidentally shoot somebody, that that somebody is Noah Kelly (a.k.a. "the Cheesy Crapmeister").

Oh, magic.

Personal Crap

Yeah, so I've been blogging for more than a week now (yeah!) and have had over 1,000 hits (double yeah!) but I still think of this as a work-in-progress. What would you guys like to see on this blog? More humor? More magic? Actual tricks? E-mail me at i_am_pagliacci@hotmail.com and send over your questions, comments, and complaints.

Plus, if you like to see yourself on these things (you media whore, you!), then send me an e-mail about that and I'll see if I can make that wish come true. We'll call it something like the Pagliacci Make-a-Wish Foundation. Send in a request and, like a cheap Vegas prostitute, I'll do it just the way you like it!

Warning: The end of this blog post is extremely sentimental and gushy. If you don't want to read any of that kind of crap, stop reading now. No, really. Stop reading now.

Thanks for everything guys! I'm doing this blog for you! I hope you have as much fun reading this as I do posting to it!

Nods to Magic Mafia, Magic Rants, Magic Whack, and Steve Fearson for the amazing linkage. I wouldn't be here without the support I've gotten from you guys.

Designer Crap

This T-shirt from David and Goliath is awesome! It sounds like the perfect segway to follow the "Magic Breast" trick!

[NOTE: Because the David and Goliath page is in Flash, I couldn't link directly to the shirt. You can find it in the Store, in the R-Rated Section.]

Crazy Crap

Listen to this clip: click here and download the Divorce Court clip. (Linking directly to it results in an error, so this is the easiest way to get to it.)

I'll transcribe some of the best parts of it and give you a few of my insights:

ANNOUNCER: Divorce Court.

This was the man and woman's first problem. They should have realized that their marriage sucked when they decided to go on a shitty television program to resolve their issues. After this announcement, everything went friggin' downhill.

WOMAN: Now I'm in a regular ol' 38C.
[In the background] MAN: Itty bitty titty.

Regular? Itty? 38C's are neither. The only bitty thing involved that I can surmise from this exchange is the guy's brain (who the hell says that?) or the guy's dick (is he compensating for something?).

MAN: You know what those are, what's she's got right there? Those are what I call "magic breasts." Do you know what magic breasts are?
JUDGE: Uh uh.
MAN: Magic breasts are when a woman lifts her arms like this and they flatten out and disappear like a magic trick!

Shameless Crap

So, how would you like free tickets to the best magic show in Boston and a free iPod shuffle to listen to while you travel to it?

Well, it's your lucky day because Pagliacci can make both of those things come true for you!

First, sign up here for your free iPod. Yes, you probably don't believe that this is real, but here are some links for you to check out:

Wired News
Reports from people who have received them

So, now that you've signed up and gotten your free iPod shuffle, what about those magic show tickets? Well, hopefully you've signed up for the offer that gives you $20 worth of Circuit City gift certificates (just remember to cancel the offer after you get credit for it so that you don't get charged for anything but the $1 trial fee!).

This is a picture of the gift cards I actually received in the mail last week:



Find the next friend who's going to Circuit City and trade the gift cards for cash (he or she is spending money there anyway - he or she might as well give you the cash, right?).

Now you have enough money to but two tickets to the Mystery Lounge, the longest running magic show in Boston! It's an incredible show and every week has an amazing line-up! You really should check this show out - it's definitely not crappy.

Plus, if you're luck, you might even get to meet me there...

Flash Crap II

The recent release of a magic-themed Happy Tree Friends made me look back at Morto the Magician and Morlock the Magician.

Well, check this out:


From top to bottom: Morto, Morlock, and Lumpy the Moose (a Happy Tree Friends character)

Notice any similarities? You should, because the opening sequence of Happy Tree Friends and the entire Morlock cartoon are both completely ripped off from Morlock the Magician.

I have just two words for the cartoonists who thought that they could steal from others and not get caught: Gotcha, bitches!